The Talk
by Adams7
Summary: Just because Garrus is John Shepard's best friend, doesn't mean that when Garrus starts dating John's twin sister Alice, he get's to escape John giving him "the Talk" Sequel to "One of Those Relationships"


**A/N: I'm baaaaaaaaaaaaccccckkkkk! I have returned from the Canadian wilderness and reacquainted myself with civilization. Just in time for back to school! Whoopee! **

The Talk

On a small ship like the Normandy, scuttlebutt traveled fast (in no small part thanks to the efforts of Kasumi and Kelly) yet somehow the people it concerned always remained oblivious. However, there was one person on the Normandy (excluding EDI) who knew _all_ the gossip: the pilot Jeff "Joker" Monroe.

Currently, Joker was situated in the cockpit, piloting the Normandy through space at Faster-Than-Light speeds while simultaneously going over the latest gossip. Shepard's love life was a favorite among the crew, with everybody taking a guess on which of the Normandy's beautiful women the Commander was sleeping with. The current favorite right now was Kelly, (no doubt started by the perky Yeoman herself). Shepard would always eventually shut the rumors down, causing more and more people to question the Commander's sexuality. After all, no sane straight man would turn a woman like Miranda down. Of course, Joker knew the truth; that Shepard refused to let Ashley go, that he still carried a torch for her. He spent the entirety of the time before the Omega 4 Relay in his quarters, lying on his bed listening to the message Ashley sent him after Horizon. _God he needs to move on._

Now the gossip on the other crew members, _that_ was a bit more interesting. During the party that was held in the mess to celebrate them destroying the Collector Base and not losing a single person, a lot of the crew had hooked up. Many people got so drunk that they didn't even remember what -or who- they did the previous night. The aftermath was a lot like that old movie "The Hangover".

Joker flipped on the cameras. _Let's see what our insane crew is up to today hmm?_ In the cargo hold, Alice, Jacob, and Tali were busy at work repairing the Hammerhead. Once again, Shepard's driving skills had reduced the vehicle to a pile of scrap.

He switched feeds. This time, it was Miranda in her office, "working" (although since they were no longer with Cerberus, it was unknown what Miranda did without having to send reports to the Illusive Man). Next feed. Thane lost in memories again. Next. Kasumi using her partner's greybox. Next. Samara meditating. Next. Grunt stomping back and forth. Next. Zaeed polishing his old gun Jessie. Next. Jack brooding. Next. Mordin in the midst of another crazy experiment. Next. Chakwas taking inventory. Next. Gardner making that night's "dinner". Ne-

_Oooh. What have we here?_

Joker leaned forward in his chair. Shepard had just walked past Gardner with a determined look on his face, apparently on his way to the main battery. _The Commander doesn't look happy, I wonder if Garrus did something with Alice._ Joker grinned and switched to the camera in the main battery just as Shepard entered. Garrus was busy working on calibrations (as usual) but took the time to nod over his shoulder at Shepard as he entered.

The Commander was first to speak "Hey Garrus, could I talk to you for a second?"

Garrus nodded "Sure, just give me a second." he finished the algorithm he was entering and turned to face Shepard. Joker noticed that his mandibles shifted a little when he saw Shepard's expression; a frown Joker guessed. "What do you need?"

Shepard started pacing "I've been holding back on having this conversation with you on account of the uncertainty of the mission," he stopped pacing and looked at Garrus. "But now that it's over I think we should talk about you and Alice."

Garrus' mandibles fluttered in what Joker assumed was embarrassment. "Oh… um… right…" he straightened up "What about it?"

"I just think that we should establish some boundaries." Shepard raised his hand to stop Garrus from replying "Don't think that I don't approve, I do. You're my best friend Garrus and trust you to take care of Alice but we still need to establish some ground rules."

Garrus nodded "Like what?"

Shepard didn't even pause before he jumped right in. "Well first off, Alice likes to take things slow so if this is just because you have some freaky human fetish and there are no genuine feelings involved, I suggest you end it here because you're not going to get any action for a while."

"How do you-?"

"We're twins Garrus, we share everything. Second," Shepard continued "no eloping unless you want my mother to beat the living shit out of you. She has been waiting three decades to plan Alice's wedding and she will _not_ be cheated."

"Isn't it a little early to-?"

"Third, if for some reason you decide to break it off with Alice you have to be as gentle as you possibly can. If you wind up breaking her heart, I, my father, my mother, my grandparents, my Aunt Gertrude, Uncle Hank, and their 17 kids will _all_ beat the living shit out of you."

"Is your family really that violent?"

"Pretty much. Fourth, if for any reason I find that you have hurt Alice in any way; I _will_ toss you out the airlock after all my relatives have reduced you to a quivering puddle of turian."

"Are we really having this conversation?"

"Yes. Fifth, you are forbidden from any public displays of affection other than a quick kiss on the cheek and the occasional holding of hands."

"You can't just-"

"Don't make me pull rank Vakarian. Sixth, should you ever get in an argument with Alice; you are to admit you were wrong, no matter the issue. Get down on your knees and beg for forgiveness if you have to. Lastly, you are forbidden from telling Alice we ever had this talk, unless you wish to face" Shepard took a step forward and activated his biotics, wreathing him in vibrant blue flames. "_dire consequences._" He deactivated his biotics, smiled, and clapped a shocked Garrus on the shoulder. "Well, I'll let you get back to work Garrus." With that he turned and left the main battery with a spring in his step, whistling a merry tune.

Joker watched as Garrus just stood there staring at the battery door, gapping in disbelief for a full minute before shaking his head and turning back to his station, muttering to himself "What next, advice from Mordin?"

Joker grinned as he cut the feed; sounds like a good idea. He opened up the intercom to the tech lab where Mordin worked and said, "Hey Mordin, you got a minute? I think a certain turian needs some interspecies relationship advice."

**A/N: I hope you enjoyed this little one-shot. Don't forget to check out my ME3 Ending fic "The End of All Things" under M!Shep/Ashley that should be up soon if you want to see more of Shepard, Alice, and Garrus. As always, let me know what I did well and what I can improve on.**


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